A Letter To My First Born On Her Birthday...
My dearest J,
You are SIX years old today! How did that happen? Where did the time go? I remember snuggling you as a newborn and just being so amazed by your tiny little fingers, and big beautiful eyes. You were my first born, the amazing little girl that made me a mother. I was so not prepared for that! Over the years, you have been the one that has paved the way for this journey. For each thing I have taught you, you have taught me twice as much. Forever changing who I am as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.
I remember feeling like a house the day we went to the hospital to be induced. No seriously, I was massive! You were super comfy and had decided to stay in there forever. I was so ready to meet you, but I was also so scared. I was worried that I would not be a good enough mother. That somehow, I would “mess” you up. Or even worse, that you would hate me. Yes, I know that sounds silly, but I was really worried you would not like me.
I will never forget seeing your face for the first time! You had the cutest little nose and the most beautiful head of hair. At that moment, I remember being so relieved that you were finally here. It was an emotional moment, Mommy cried, Ti-Ti cried, the nurses teared up, and don’t tell him I told you, but even Daddy cried. We were all just so happy to finally get to meet you, and have I mentioned it yet, that you were BEAUTIFUL!
I never could have imagined all the ways you would change our lives. You were my first, together we conquered every new thing that was thrown our way. I wish I could say I did it well, but I know there were several times I probably could have done better. But that’s the thing, if you don’t know better, you can’t do better. Unfortunately, since I was new at this gig I did not always know better, but we learned.
Watching you grow over those first few years, was an amazing experience. It felt like every day you were doing something new, first baths, first steps, first ponytails, first words, etc. None of those compared to the fact that you were my “first love”. The special kind of love that a mother only has for her child. It is a heavy, all-encompassing kind of love that changes everything forever.
A couple of years later, you became a big sister, and yet again I was scared. I worried that after your sister came, you would not like me anymore. I was not sure how I could love another baby the way that I loved you. I was just so scared. After she came, it was not just Mommy and J against the world anymore. We had new little one, and oh did she made her presence known. I know that had to be a hard time for you. It was a hard time for me too.
After sister came, things changed quite a bit for us, it often felt like our world got flipped upside down. There were so many times, I had to hand you off to one of your “bonus moms” and be gone. Sometimes for only an hour, sometimes for days at a time. But during all those times, you always had this beautiful smile your face and handled it with such grace. Way more grace than I could muster! You would give me this big hug, then say “wub you mommy, wub you Co-wa-wee” and then take off to go play.
I hated being gone so much, and I hated losing that precious time with you. It was hard trying to balance your sister and her more urgent needs, with my want to be with you. I always felt like you were getting the short end of the stick. I felt guilty and worried that you thought it meant I did not love you as much anymore. But I promise you that was not the case!
I am sorry that your little life got rocked so hard, despite immense efforts to keep it as normal as possible. But more than that, I am thankful for the big and loving heart you have. I am grateful, that no matter what you still loved me. That somehow, even at two years old, you loved your little sister so much and you seemed to understand that she needed me just a little bit more. You were the BEST Big Sister a mommy could ask for.
Over the years, you have always been my little helper. You have this tenacious, goofy, strong, loving, and amazing spirit about you. I can honestly say, I have never met anyone like you and I don’t think I ever will. In some ways, you are a lot like me, and that can be challenging. However, because of that, we have this special little bond that only you and I can understand. This special place that you and I can escape to and it is only for us.
So, for your birthday, I want you to know that I LOVE YOU! I love you more than words can even begin to express. Also, I want to say THANK YOU! Thank you for making me a mommy, for all the firsts that have been shared, and the ones yet to come. For being patient with me along the way and loving me even when I fall short. For always being my little helper, having a world-famous J hug that makes even the biggest problems seem small, and staying true to yourself no matter what.
You are an amazing little girl, I cannot imagine what life would be like without you. You are going to do big things in this life, I just know it! So, along the way, NEVER forget that Mommy loves you, that I am here for you, and there is nothing you can do in this life that will ever change that.
Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl!
💓 Mommy 💓
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